Feminist Selections For #NationalWineDay! (Spoiler Alert: It's All Wines Ever)

Today is National Wine Day, according the trending topics on Twitter, which is the source of all knowledge. In honor of this notable occasion, I would like to present some Feminist Wine Pairings, or: What To Pour When Misogyny Drives You To Drink.

Chardonnay: This classic chilled white is the perfect thing to sip on a summer evening, or when somebody says, “I’m not sexist, but I don’t understand how Hillary Clinton could stay with Bill after that whole Lewinsky thing.”

Cabernet Sauvignon: A full-bodied red is required drinking when you venture into the comments section of a news article written by a woman, and a full 30% of the comments are written by men remarking on the headshot that accompanied the article. Drink twice if the men are commenting specifically on her weight.

Shiraz: If you like a dry bite to your wine, uncork a shiraz when otherwise sensible liberals take the low-road and start negatively commenting on photos of Melania Trump from her modeling days, as if to say being a model is somehow "not feminist enough" to also be First Lady. 

Riesling: You’ll need a little something sweet to clear your palate after you attend a workplace seminar on diversity and there are no women on the panel of speakers.

Zinfandel: Chug zinfandel by the bucket-full when you discover that your employer will concede to give you the full 12 FMLA-mandated weeks off after you have a baby, but won’t pay you even one penny during that time.

Malbec: This sophisticated red is exactly what you need after you learn that the dress code at your kids’ school has 10 rules — 9 of which apply only to the girls.

Chablis: A light, crisp chablis is the prefect accompaniment to an evening of volunteering at a phone bank for a local female political candidate. Have a sip every time a man answers the phone and calls you “sweetheart.” Warning: possible risk of extreme alcohol poisoning.

Red Blend: The secret about trendy red blends is that they’re actually made from the blood and tears of men's rights activists. Shhhh. Don’t tell them. We don’t want them to know that we actually ARE plotting to destroy them.